I am all out of love
When you got sicked, would you tell someone about it? 

For me, I don't know how to start telling him about myself when he's still on his recovery. But.. I wanted to be in his arms when I got fever and all I want to do was lying in my bed.I felt weak.

I don't want to make him worry. He has already tired from sleepless nights with his pain. Lately he seems to be a little bit frustrated that the pain before surgery hasn't gone away.  And I totally understand how it feels to be like that. 

So I don't want to make him feel more annoyed though he's told me that I have never been bothering him at all.

Yet we should share most of our stories to be faired and frankly.. I can't help thinking that I don't want to be so weak and avoid being annoyed.. to him.

Well, I used to cry once with him and he was very supporting. And that's it. I just don't want to be a baby that need him too often.. I feel embarassing enough for being useless and not working... 

And now I am missing him.. and I do not know what I should say with him. 

We haven't had anything to talk for awhile recently.. and it makes me feel bad, really bad.  Because we used to talk about anything and each talk took like forever.. We talked a lot.. but now it's just like I asked one question and he just replied an answer.. Our communication skills seem to be broken.. or failed.. I don't really know.

I really feel lonely..

I don't know if he would feel the same.. but I really wish things can work out for us.. it seems impossible to see and meet since we live in different continents.. To be exactly we are 17,673 km far apart. 

All of these probably are just 'friends with benefits.' 

I'm too tired for this loop.  Getting to know someone, and knowing them enough to have some connects. Then we break apart and I get to start over all again.  

I am too old for this disappointment.  I just want someone who can really care about me.. and I also care them, too.  So we can really feel and be patient as same as both.

I know that I can't be pretty and cute.. like other girly girl but my loyalty and love is really true.. and I am ready to love someone unconditionally..  

I guess I will never have that kind of love anymore.. and all I can do is just hug myself and try to dry my tears before sleeping..

Photo from : unsplash
"Annie Spratt" - iceberg on body of water

Written in this book
My Emotional Stories
All the emotions, feelings and personal thoughts
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