the one who confirmed to me this trip is indeed worthwhile.
'Even the dream of writing a book before I die doesn't seem to exist anymore.'
I didn't know why, but when this thought hit me, I busted into tear just like that.
In front of me lied bookshelves. Behind the curtain of salty water I myself created, I saw a sign 'Please be quiet in the library', so I kept my sobbing low.
I didn't want to disturb anyone, not more than what I had done.
I heard a murmur and footsteps approaching my direction. However, as far as I know, people in this cold world would not care of a small insignificant crying bug, so I just tried to hid myself deeper into the alley.
"four-nine-three-dot-seven-four-slash-'G' (493.74/G).... "
"Hmm ... not here... "
The voice was coming closer, repeating the same number.
The blood vessel besides my head throbbed at high speed. I didn't want someone seeing me at this stage of mind but yet when I opened my eyes, the book spine appeared in front of me was labeled with yellow tape and neat characters written in ink.
I heard that people would get things they hate
I want to be alone badly...
I fxxxxing hate my fortune...
I think it DID hate me back....
"Excuse me, I need a book in that corner."
Polite and quite was the quality of that voice.
If I were in good mood I would appreciate this chance, meeting a girl with nice tone of voice, searching for a book in my favorite section.
I moved but I bet she got the glimpse of my puffy eyes before I could cover it.
Our eyes met I got to see her as well.
With her hair tied up high into a pony tail, and thick glasses on her nose, she met an image of a nerdy girl. I didn't want to be there any longer so I didn't try to sneak at her ID card hanged from her neck. I had my guess tho, either a medical students or biology major of some source. The book she was looking for was in the medical zone anyway.
She called out with that small voice, but I stopped anyway.
"You don't need to leave... I just got the book, take your time." I signed ...
"It's ok, hunching down like that was stiffing, I was planning to move anyway"
I was not really in mood to return to the previous position so I walked to sit at the end of another row of bookshelves instead.
What I didn't expect was that she would take a seat next to me.
She started reading right away and didn't seem to care, but her presence calmed me somehow.
I was not here for anything in particular, once I confirmed to myself that I indeed couldn't enjoy reading books I love anymore. It all turned annoying for me and that fact also saddened me. Therefore, I examined her.
The book she read was not too thick and not too thin. Its cover was probably too old so it was replaced by a standard leather cover with golden characters as the tittle of the book already withered away. I could only figure out words 'case study' and ‘depression’.
At the instance I didn't prepare, she lower her book and shot a smile at me. A warm current I couldn’t indentify rushed through my chest.
"Do you want to tell me your problem?"
"I think I just lost my purpose to live on."
I didn't understand why she said that as much as why I responded. But once I let it spilled out I noticed the furious flow of emotion inside that couldn't help but gushed its way out.
"I was too coward to kill myself."
"I know there are people who love me and I love them too."
"I don't want people that loved me suffered from the consequence."
"But apart from not wanting them to be in grief, there is nothing I really want to do. I have no intention or wish to do anything."
She didn't really responded much, just nod and ask at some point I skipped important information for the listener to follow.
I ended up in tear again with her hand on my back.
"Why do you need a purpose?"
I was stunted. People just say it all the time, don’t they?
"Find your passion, follow your passion."
"Do what you love."
"Find a place you belong."
I was always looking for 'it'. Whatever 'it' means, passion, love, goal, dream.
I found it I thought, but I lost the grip and it didn't seem to find its way back to me.
"When you went to Korea recently, you were happy?"
"Yes" I supposed, the trip that summer was fun.
"Did you find your purpose back then."
"..." I paused. No, I didn't.
"I just enjoyed it because it was a short and valuable time! valuable ticket! If its that short, I can throw away my mission to find 'it' and enjoy for a while."
"Do you think you can do that again on another trip?"
"Probably... anything but not in a dull life like this."
"Hmmm. Do you think this campus is special."
"Nay, it's just a normal uni nothing worth saying peace and taking a picture of"
"Really?" She said that in the moment that the librarians and a professor who thought me one class about history of architecture guided several guests from overseas in. Their face were all flashed with admiration. I heard whispered sound.
"Amazing!" "This is what a developed country is!" "The shelves are so well - design, they are just chest-leveled, so we can see that whole library and feel like its bigger and broader than in reality!"
Many of them were taking pictures of the structure and with the structure.
"Lemme correct you..."
Her soft voice continued right next to my ears.
"Everything is special in a way. The moment you stop looking for it, the true value will reveal itself to you."
"You are on a trip, every single day. The life and purpose you are finding is unfolding just here in front of you. The only duty for you is the cherish it."
"It meets your condition. The time is limited and its short. May be shorter than you imagined it is just like when you ride a roller coaster. It feels like forever, but just a blink."
I was frozen just letting her words sink in.
"Put your worries aside for this short trip and enjoy it, could you please?"
The pause was long and I thought I heard a sniff.
"For my sake as well."
I felt as if some big monster locked up in my head had finally been released.
The same room became brighter and nicer to be in, almost too good to be true.
I kept blinking my eyes. The group of visitors were still by the entrance, the clock rarely ticked by, but the girl was nowhere to find, leaving only the leather book.
I picked it up for a clearer look.
"I die when I didn't want to die ANYMORE
- a case study of despression from a girl’s diary."
I flipped quickly through and found something interesting. The author of the book is a researcher who accidentally got hold of a diary of a victim from crime. From the first page the owner of the diary declared that it was not just a diary but a draft for a book she wanted to publish of how she overcame the suicidal thought in her head and moved on as a once again happy girl. However, she was half way to the publisher office when a guy dragged her into a dark alley, took her verginity and her life.
The guy confessed that she was picked as random - unlucky.
The researcher thought the message inside the diary was worth sharing so he received consent from the family, edited and sent it the publisher - fulfilling her last wish. It got published and donated to the library by the researcher himself as an alumni. At the last page attached the self-portrait of the girl.
A nerdy girl with thick glasses and her hair tied up high into a pony tail...
Just like the one I talked to...
I didn't believe in life after dead, but I did admire people who spread good wills anyway, so I smile with respect at the girl's picture...
... and offer her my gratitude from the bottom of my heart.
... or did I imagine it? that warm and nice smile...
... I saw her giving it back to me as well
P.s. the book with code 493.74/G was fake, as you probably know.
the code is a Japanese library code unique to each library which, in the real library I was writing this piece in, would lead you to a book named "Depression : from psychology to brain state, by Paul Gilbert"
I hadn't read it yet but thank you indeed.
Written in this book
A Black Cat in the Middle of Nowhere