Random burst of sadness pt.2
I remember all those movies where the main characters are comforted by their parents. 
I remember feeling so jealous of that.
I never got anything like that.
Never.

Okay, I mean I appreciate everything they did for me for the past 22 years.
They provide me with this house.
They provide me the opportunity to study at this level.
They provide me with every basic needs a human being would require.
But they never provide any kind of emotional support.

The only things they fcking know how to do is scolding at me and hiting me when I did something wrong, no matter how small a mistake that was.

Everytime I cry, what my mom always says is 
Stop crying! Why do you need to cry? Crying is only for the weak! 
There was a time when I was literrally left outside of the house because of something I did wrong that I don’t even remember. She scold at me to stay outside I think. So I sat there, crying, until 10pm when my dad came home and asked why I was still outside. She didn’t even consider talking to me after what she did. And I keep thinking why do we need to let them do that to us just because they are our parents. It’s not right.
I remembered that I thought to myself that “let the mosquito bit me until I got denge fever and fcking die”
What if I die because of that? 

I mean why does one need a family if no emotional support was ever given from the very people calling themselves ‘parents’.

Now they just blame how I was always bitter toward them on my exchange student experience. 
My mom said that now I am way more disrespectful toward her because I went to the US for a year.
I mean, why didn’t she think of the way she has raised me up and how she consistently treated me and my sister? 
She NEVER, in 22 years, asked me if I am okay. Even now when I am the closest to suicide. 
My family don’t even know that I am so depressed. And telling them would make things even more complicated. My mom was so scared of suicide to the point of calling the people who consider doing that a stupid idiot who lost all sense of กตัญญู taward their parents. 

What was consistenly on my mind is that my family is one of the cause of my depression. And I have never asked to be born. 
I’m sorry for everything I have put them through, but I never ask for it.
I don’t want to live. Staying in the same house with them increase my desire to just disappear from this world even further.
I don’t even know why I am still fighting...
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ThirdOfApril
cry baby
I am solely here to express, not to impress.

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