Hidden-self
I am believed to be so many things.

This story is not a self praise nor it is a self admiration article about me, but please be patient with it, I want to spread my whole soul and the longing feeling that has never been exposed before on these words that might sound sarcastic or possibly be boring. Smart girl, Top school athlete, Class President, Teachers' favorite, Cheerleader, Good grade, Perfect A, Healthy, Caring, Nice, and a daughter who makes her parents proud.

Nothing sounds so bad if anybody is described as all of that above. However, believe me, what they said about 'there's no such thing as perfection', that is so true.
Perfectionist suffers from seeking perfection or in an inverse case, suffering from any bit of flaw they find. In this case, I define my life as a different kind of perfect. As good and as bad as it has been for 19 years, it has just the right amount of perfection. At least, that was what I thought. 

Those words above describes me so.. 'Being proud of myself' sounds sensible, even it does only define very few living years, comparing to a full life cycle on this planet. My parents, my friends, my family, they are all proud of me. 

So far so great. 

In the process of high aimed self-achievement I always set up high standards and people around me always have high expectation of me as well. I don't see it as the pressure or anything because I am not a self pusher I am totally OK with disappoint someone but not myself because I know that I always do my best. So I definitely not a perfectionist now. This balance life of being able to let go but still fully aim for the success is perfect, and I love my life. 

Now, here we come. Another side of the story that built up almost at the same time as my life began.
Strong and independent describe me the best. By strong I literally mean strong as in the physical part and mental, it starts from here, the expectation of not to succeed, but to be so much in control and 'strong'. 
Whenever I cry or fall, everyone says
You are such a strong woman, you are so good and this shit is nothing, etc.
 Meant to be encouraging phrases, I suppose, but there is the sense of expectation for me to be strong when I hear this sort of sentences. It's good that someone believes in you so much and these experiences of failing and get the feedback like this is slowly killing me while I start to believe in myself the same way. It's like when I fail there is always the safety hanging net inside this black hole that bounce me upright to the position of sprinting take off. There I go again running to another achievement. 

The thing is that part of me wants to explore this black hole so badly. I want to feel vulnerable and soft and weak and tears shedding while screaming I cannot do this anymore with a person next to me says
  
It's normal you don't have to be so strong, you are normal.
No need to talk about what's going to get better or how much strength I have to get back up again. Let me fall, keep falling until I know how darkly beautiful the pit is. I am tired of thinking about getting back up so soon or not even allow myself to fall. 

I want to be vulnerable and took care of, I can stand on my own but sometimes I need someone to hold me up with no belief no acknowledgement of how strong I am. 

Humankind has this in common, self division, we are many things we might or might not realise, but we always need something else. 
If you try to understand someone, do not see a person as what he or she is 
but seek for what is lacking in that soul.
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Written in this book
In the process of growing
A story through my closed eyes
Writer
Gingginee
Diverse roles of a woman to be
Believed to be strong and independent, but part of me desires to be soft and vulnerable.

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