When Hope and Anger coexisted : Frustration

          Today, while watching "The ancient Magus' Bride" i cried out of loneliness i have been feeling through out the week. it was surprising. because it is the first time that i feel weak, loneliness make me feel weak, ,my heart felt weak, so weak that i could not hold back the tear. and i have never shed tear be cause of loneliness before.
          Before, i do cry, mostly i cried out of frustration or anger, specially toward myself. i was so angered inside. 

          Nobody could understand why i have that much anger and frustration hidden deep with in me. i guess, it is because i still have hope... or expectation deep down. that why i fight on. once i lost that hope....that expectation. life feel light, lighter than before. it is like giving up on life, on taking control of my own life. simply let it go, letting go of that control. no more planing, no more searching, no more "what could be " no more "what if i...." all that is left is just "what is..."
          I am not sure, if it is a stupid thing to do at 24 year old. when all other were thriving and leaping forward. i stay still. i give up. i let go.
All worldly values has become empty in my heart. nothing is worth chasing for. no reward is worth to pursue. 
                                                                                                      17/01/2019
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