3 Years to Thirty (English entry)
3 years to thirty now ♥️.

Looking back, it’s surprising how my life has turned out to be something I would never expect when I was in my teens.

Back then, I always dreamed of working as a diplomat or landing at an international corporation somewhere in the world, somewhere far away. I wanted a permanent and secured job.

I dreamed of travelling the world and being surrounded by top-notch people in a competitive industry. I never thought I would be in Thailand, nor did I ever think of becoming a freelancer.

Then when things couldn’t turn out that way, I was desperately full of resentment. It was like a domino effect, you know, when one thing didn’t work out, the rest just fell apart.

I was young, and all I had were dreams that I never had a chance to realise. I guess the one thing I learned then was that dreams can break your heart too. I was frightened by the discovery, and since then, I no longer allowed myself to dream and I was doing my best to hold on to reality. I never took a leap of faith. It’s been so long since I am fully committed to something fearlessly. I didn’t want to try so hard anymore. I didn’t want to pick up the broken pieces.

I never really thought about this seriously, actually. I carried on living, and let time heal me. Now that all emotions and resentment subsided, I can see things much more clearly. I’ve learned that the most important thing is to let go. Funny how I’ve read about it a thousand times before, and I’ve heard people talking about it everywhere. But it never seems so real to me until this very stage of life. I can’t choose what people say to me, but I can choose whether to let their words hurt me or not.

Every day now, apart from practicing mindfulness and gratefulness, I’m also learning to let go and tell myself that I cannot please everybody, even if it’s someone I hold so dearly in my heart. Before, I used to mentally beat myself up for failing other people and making them disappointed. There were times I wish I would just disappear, that I would close my eyes and pop up somewhere nobody knows me.

At 27, I guess I can finally tell myself to choose happiness, freedom, and a peaceful state of mind. I want to tell the old me that I will be fine, I just take more time than others to do things. I’m slow and clumsy, but I’m getting there somehow. I’ve been experimenting, you know.

And even though this life turns out to be different from how I expected it when I was younger, I can assure you that I’m happy and content, the way I have never been before. I’ve got a job, though I don’t have much, but I can afford a little something every now and then. I’ve been dramatically calmer than how I used to be in my teens, no more shouting, no more crying myself to sleep. And every day, I count my blessings and try to be as grateful as I can be.

I’m still a work in progress, and this is the life I’ve chosen to live. I choose to trust the journey and I hope I make you proud.

06.06.2018
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Writer
Gentlediary
Language enthusiast
ความคิด I ความสนใจ I ความทรงจำ IG: Eve.piri

Comments

per_specs_tive
10 months ago
Sounds like quarter life crisis... But keep on going! Good self-reflection though :))
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