Me and myself can't get along
You may think the headline is funny, it really is.
I would hate myself for typing this if I were me in the past, I wish though.

Still, I hate myself but not for that reason.

It was a feeling. 
The feeling which broke me apart then those broken pieces started to fight each other. Yep, sounds too dramatic, trust me I don’t like it either.


Who would have thought that the feeling could change you this much?
From a person who was always fine by leaving a phone away all day long.
To a girl who touched her phone every minute.
or a person who was too possessive about her own world.
To a girl who tried to find every interesting story in her life just for talking to him longer.
or a person who could stroll to anywhere and time she wanted by herself.
To a girl who couldn’t just look at those places without him crossing her mind.
or a girl who didn’t fancy about writing love story.
To this awful poem.

Actually, I thought about it, feared and prepared.
Forbade all: to miss, to think, to care.
However, more than I planned, it was too much to bear.
At 3 a.m. couldn’t sleep but despair.


Not that “despair” like I have no hope or I can’t live without you or something like that…I just wanted it to be rhyme.
But aside from that, other things were real.

The feeling, along with the situation, was veritable, all of it.

And it became much more when I was writing this.
Melancholy it was. The only word I could think of.
Or it could compare with all Sam Smith’s songs blended together…

Sometimes it was so much that I wanted to get out of my chest, like the one I have done a long time ago.
But this was different.
Yes, I would do if I didn’t have to see him again.
But that would never happen
and I didn’t want to lose him who was nice to me all along. Whereas, I couldn’t be the same like I was happy with the way we were.

I have tried though but it turned out to emphasize how weak I was instead.

So I stepped back, like a loser or a self-willed person, who I didn’t want to be.
Trust me again, I hate it too.
It seemed like not only an irrational act but also stupid, I supposed.
Yeah, I was irrational and stupid person who couldn’t find a proper way to say goodbye.
I just didn’t want him to feel any guilt about how he made this stupid person felt like this. All these feeling came from me so I should take care of it.
Not him.

It was not his fault at all.
All he did was being there for me anytime I fell.
And that also crushed me so hard that I had to go before I couldn’t live without him.

Nevertheless, as much as I wanted to forget, I miss him.

When there were notifications, not for a moment did I wish it wasn’t him.

I was ridiculously hopeless yet I still hoped I could get over him someday.
But also hoped that he would think about me somehow. 

And I hate myself, again.
































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Singkling
Wanderer
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